i wrote this for you

February 10, 2015 § Leave a comment

I’m sorry if you got yourself caught up by the indecisive and impulsive person that I am. I’m sorry that it was your fate that intertwined with mine at some point in the road. Like a stain that leaves an indelible yellow mark as you try to put bleach on it. I”m sorry it had to be me. I’m sorry I pricked you with the thorns on all of the roses you gave me. I’m sorry that I cut you with the jagged edges of that part of my heart that was still left unmended. I’m sorry if I ever ruined a part of you that cannot be undone. I’m sorry I took a portion of you that I cannot give back. I’m sorry I was silent all along. I’m sorry to still bother you despite it all. If I knew it would turn up to be like this, I would never have let you in. If it meant preserving you. And controlling me. And leaving us still whole. Now we’re just not the same people we used to be anymore. A lot has changed – for the better, for the worse? I don’t know which. But in the light of where I am at now, I don’t like the looks of it. I lost a friend. And I don’t think its worth the bargain of the experiences I gained as a consolation to it. I wish I never let you in; if keeping you out meant safety. Safety from the mess that I am. I wish black never blended with white, now all I have is gray. How it pains me to think I am running away from a friend. How cruel could love be when it is shared not at the right time, place, or perhaps, person. I’m sorry we had the misfortune, or the privilege, to share it in that context.

In all of this, I know you might say you have forgiven me. And that you wish to move on from there. And I know it, and I believe it that you really do have forgiven me, even as I write these things to you. Perhaps, all the sorry is not for you, but for me. Perhaps I haven’t totally forgiven myself yet. I took the heartbreaking in so very seriously that I haven’t really totally forgiven myself yet. There’s a hope in me that someday, I’ll learn to forgive myself. I’ll begin to accept that some things cannot be undone anymore, and forgiving doesn’t always mean getting back together. I’ll have to be brave and reason with the blind optimism nature in me. If I am to be an optimist, I should be hoping to accept that life goes on, even after a break up. Whether you did this to the person, or that person did that to you, it’s all the same conclusion: :Life, still goes on. And you just have to keep walking. And you just have to keep on moving forward, because no other road holds more genuine hope than the road ahead.

Wishful Thinking.

November 8, 2014 § Leave a comment

I find pieces of you, of us,
in every love song I hear.

Now my mind drifts on a reverie of you and me driving along the coast, my hand on your lap, seeing you on my peripheral vision, the intervals of street lights illumine my face, the soft sea breeze carrying the cold salty air, and along with it the musical notes of the songs on the radio that would eventually be ours.

Pheromones

November 8, 2014 § Leave a comment

I got home late tonight.

I was about to undress to shower when I noticed my shirt smelled like you; my wrist smelled like you; my hanky smelled like you.

What had we been doing earlier? We didn’t even held each others’ hands! Why do you have your scent all over me now?

I like how you awaken my senses.

It’s like you always leave your signature on me and it reads:

“You’re mine, you’re mine, you’re mine.”

October 25, 2014 § Leave a comment

You’re my superman
The eraser of my bad dreams
and replacing them with ones
that leave me
elated when I wake up.

You’re the option D
from a 4-choiced question
I was too busy to choose initially
because I was too engrossed with A.

You were cunning
I was caught on a fork in the road
We were both precautious and skeptic
But we chose to take the road on our left.

And we’re walking…walking…walking.

I’m trying, I really am

October 19, 2014 § Leave a comment

“Your hair is all messy you know“, you said as you tried to run your fingers through it.

I never really actually honestly cared about how I look.

But your opinion of it had this impact on me.

I hate it.

I hate that looks matter to you.

And I hate why your opinion of it matters to me.

But I’m trying, I really am.

Split Seconds

October 19, 2014 § Leave a comment

When I was a kid, I wanted all the things that hurt to occur at the least time as possible – in split seconds.

I swallowed the bitter medicine in split seconds.
I wanted needles to be injected in split seconds.
I withdraw my finger from a flame in split second.

I didn’t want to linger on pain and hurt a long time.

At the end of Jones Avenue, we verbalized our goodbyes – as if it’s the bitter medicine, the painful flu shot, the flame to my finger – in split seconds.

But even so, the hand grips tighter, the hugs seem inseparable, the distance seem farther, and the split seconds seem slower – slow enough for me to linger on this kind of pain longer.

Formalities

October 19, 2014 § Leave a comment

You told me I’m not good at goodbyes
and I miss people a lot more than I ought to.

Why, then, did you have to say “Hello”?

Silence and Fears

October 19, 2014 § Leave a comment

Do I talk too much?“, I asked.

I don’t know why I fear silence whenever I’m with you. Perhaps, I’m afraid that in those moments of silence where we just sit and I look at you looking at me with those eyes that seem to search for something that’s inside mine – it might come into your mind for whatsoever reason that you don’t really love me at all.

I like to listen to you talk“, you replied.
Your eyes spoke to mine telling me that there’s nothing to be afraid of after all.

We were silent after that. As well as my fears.

October 19, 2014 § Leave a comment

I miss you.

I wish I could see you again this Friday.

So I could show you my new white uniform.

So I could have that feeling that only seeing you could give.

So I could get you off my mind

and have you in front of me instead.

Eloisa to Abelard, Alexander Pope

October 18, 2014 § Leave a comment

How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d ..